Thursday, November 14, 2002

Sometimes it seems like it's the end of the world. But from experience I can say that it isn't. It may be the end of a world, but not the world. It's a dark and lonely place when a world starts to close down, or change irrevocably. But it doesn't mean we die. It means we move on. Grieve our past lives. Let them go, because they're leaving anyway. What's beautiful to consider is the new life that awaits us, to be shaped and formed. To build new friendships, loves, and family.

I grieve the loss of my life. I've lost best friends and lovers over the past two years. I didn't know what to do with that. I didn't know how to be myself without them. I did things I now regret. But regret isn't necessarily a bad thing. You can use it to learn what not to do in the future. You can make use of regret as a watermark--this is where I've been at my worst. When I near that mark, it's time to start thinking about what I may be doing that is moving me towards it again.

Leaving a life, an identity, is like losing a loved one. Love that life, but allow yourself to make a new one. Allow yourself to be open to a new life.

It's the hardest thing to do. It has been for me. I don't want to leave everything I know and have loved behind. But it's necessary sometimes. And not a bad thing at all. Just a thing. No value can be attributed to it.

There are a lot of us out there hurting right now. We all know who we are. I love you all. Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but my friends and family and their love for me, and my love for them, has kept me going through the darkest times. Sometimes I didn't think it would be enough. But it can be. Even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.


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