So yes, another post, not so long after the last one. But I'm not sure what else to do. I've been sitting at home all night after a long day of working with Japanese children (wondering while I'm teaching them the names of the months how long I can keep doing something like that when it feels like the earth has just been tugged out from underneath me) and so at home again, I just sit on my legless Japanese chair and listen to music and stare into space, listening to music for comfort. And it's hard to find the right music right now too. A lot just doesn't feel right. I've ended up listening to Bjork's "Desired Constellation" so many times, and it does feel right for some reason. Mostly because of the howling in it, the despair. I had an hour there in the late afternoon where I felt invigorated and thought all the sensible things like how there's lots of people who didn't want this to happen and we're not so alone in our beliefs and *our* values, and that we'll rally and change things, and resist the progessive evil that's building in America with the conservative Christians gaining more and more power (yes, evil. evil evil evil EVIL). But then I just snapped into my first depression sleep in I don't know how long. Things have been going really well for me for a while, but now I'm just despairing. What will America look like in four years? I keep having fearful visions of The Handmaid's Tale. Go rent that movie and hold up a picture of the Bush family next to it. They fit right into that 80s Christian dystopia. It scares the hell out of me, the way the conservatives are already leaping and baying at the possibility of changing the supreme court to conservative activist judges, overturning Rowe vs. Wade, virtually criminalizing anyone who is not heterosexual, excluding anyone who chooses to arrange their romantic lives outside of the Christian institute of marriage. Their bloodthirsty, and I feel powerless at the moment. I know everyone is saying we need to pick ourselves up and move on, but I honestly just don't know how to do that. I'm an emotionalist about things. My head can tell me everything sensible, and I try to follow reason, but if my heart isn't in it, it's just not going to happen. So sue me.

Everything's changed now. I'm not even sure how to go about writing now. What's important? How can I really do something to make the world right, or moving in the right direction? Intolerance and fear and uncertainty, the fuel of the Bush administration, has dismantled years of civil rights progress in a matter of a few years. The only thing I can think of at the moment is not to allow them to do anything further, at least not to go down without a fight, kicking and screaming.

But how to do that...how am I going to make it right, as Bjork would say. That's the real question.

**********************

It's tricky when
You feel that someone
Has done something
On your behalf

It's slippery when
Your sense of justice
Murmurs underneath
And you're asking yourself:

How am I going to make it right?

With a palmful of stars
I shake them like dice
Repeatedly
I throw them on the table
Until the desired constellation appears
And I ask myself:

How am I going to make it right?
How am I going to make it right?